Where Eejits Dare
by E350
Summary: On the eve of publishing his fiftieth story, E350's drafts are stolen by some Nazis. Time to launch a daring rescue. Rated for violence (albeit towards Nazis). Written to celebrate reaching fifty submitted works on FFN.


Presented without commen, except that I hadn't realised I'd been here _seven years_ until today.

* * *

 **Where Eejits Dare**

 _A 50th Published Fanfiction Celebration and Stroking of Ego_

* * *

 _DAAAAAAAAAA  
duh duh duh  
duh duh duh duh da da da duh duh duh da da da duh duh du-duh  
do do do_

 **FAN WARS**

 **WHERE EEJITS DARE**

It is a dark time for . Despite many attempts to get rid of him, the hack writer E350 is preparing to publish his fiftieth story to the website.

In an attempt to stop him from publishing, the evil UNITED FEDERATION OF BAD GUYS have stolen all of his writing drafts, and have now hidden them in an impenetrable fortress manned by SOME NAZIS in the mountains of South America.

In an attempt to recover his vital drafts, E350 has assembled a team and now intends to launch a DARING COMMANDO RAID on the evil fortress...

* * *

 **Somewhere in South America...**

"Okay, easy does it..."

I crept through the darkness of the cold, damp cave, slowly edging towards a large tablet positioned under a skylight. On the tablet I could see my drafts, alongside a small wooden box - a lone Nazi sentry stood guard, his rifle slung over his shoulder as he dragged on a cigarette in boredom. It would be difficult to get past him, but I was well-trained in the art of video game stealth - I had this.

Reaching the edge of the shadows, I gingerly picked up a rock and threw it across the cavern. The sentry perked up at the sound of it hitting the ground - he turned and began to walk slowly towards the source of the noise, granting me an opening.

I crept forward again, one hand on a holstered pistol, the other reaching for my drafts. Slowly and carefully, I picked them up from the tablet, folding them and slipping them into my pocket.

"Okay," I whispered, "Now to sneak out, nice and quietly."

I turned around.

A dozen soldiers clicked the safeties of their submachine guns and pointed them at me.

"Oh."

"We heard you enter, _kamerad_ ," sneered an officer, "You walked right into a trap."

"But how did you know I was here?" I demanded.

"You were humming the Pink Panther theme and constantly talking to yourself," replied the officer.

"...oh."

I swallowed.

"We-well there's one thing you _don't_ know, _Herr Leutnant_ ," I said quickly.

"Ja? And what is that?" asked the officer, raising his pistol.

"I'm not actually alone."

I grinned.

There was a long silence.

"I said _I'm not actually alone!_ " I said, much more loudly this time.

A form faded into existence behind the sentry.

Danny Phantom grabbed the soldier's rifle, flinging it away before swiftly punching him in the face. The sentry fell to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut, and Danny turned to the rest of the Nazis, smirking.

"What's up?" he asked.

" _Achtung!_ " bellowed the officer, " _Phantom!_ "

The soldiers opened fire, their rounds passing harmlessly through Danny's intangible form. He charged forward, leaping into the air and firing ectoblasts from both hands at the troops. Two Nazis were downed instantly, followed by another pair.

As Danny did this, I drew my pistol, opening fire on the officer as a I ducked to cover behind a rock. The officer fell to the cave floor in the overdramatic fashion one might expect from a 1970s war film. His men began to fall back - several were felled by Danny's blasts and my pistol, and we were soon alone.

"Well," I said, mopping my brow, "So much for doing this quietly."

"These drafts had better be worth it," grunted Danny.

He looked at the small wooden box.

"You wanna do anything with that?" he asked.

"Take it," I shrugged, "We can probably sell whatever it is later."

Danny nodded, picking up the box.

We began to run for the cave entrance - as we did so, I pulled a small radio from my pocket.

"Broadsword calling Danny Boy, come in Danny Boy," I called.

" _I thought Fenton was Danny Boy?_ "

"It's a _reference_ ," I replied, "Look, get the vehicle up front, we're going to need to exfil pronto. We've kicked up a hornet's nest."

" _Copy. How much company are you expecting?_ "

A siren began to wail.

"Ah, you know, a couple of guys," I shrugged.

We came upon a small gap over a chasm ahead. Two soldiers had stopped and the edge and were now opening fire back on us. Luckily, they were terrible shots and their rounds missed.

"I'll take left, you take right!" yelled Danny.

He leapt over the ledge, hitting the soldier on the left with an impressive flying kick. My jump was more of a stumble and I didn't so much tackle my opponent as I did collide with him, but the brief scuffle made him lose his footing and tumble into the deep chasm.

Before long, we had run out of the cave. At the mouth of the cave, the Nazis had set up a small vehicle pool - several Kubelwagens (their equivalent of jeeps) and a few trucks were parked outside, manned by soldiers who reacted quickly to our presence. We slid behind a box as they opened fire.

"Where are they?!" I demanded.

"You only called them twenty seconds ago," shrugged Danny.

"Okay," I said, "On three, we're going to duck out and see how many they have."

"Right," Danny nodded.

"One...two... _three!_ "

We ducked out.

An ammunition truck exploded, the shockwave knocking the Nazis around down like bowling pins. The earth shook and we both fell onto our backs.

"...do you have truck-destroy vision or something now?" I asked.

"Hop in, fellers!"

We looked to our left. A jeep had pulled up. Morty was the wheel and Sandy was standing in the back seat, a smoking flare gun in her hands.

"Don't mind if I do!" I exclaimed, leaping into the front passenger seat as Danny climbed into the back.

"We gotta move," warned Sandy, "They're sendin' troops after us."

"Floor it, Morty!" I yelled.

"Aw geez, y'know, I'm really not prepared for this..." said Morty, rubbing his head.

" _Now!_ " I bellowed.

Morty floored it and the jeep shot off into the jungle.

As we bumped down the precarious jungle track, Sandy handed me a map and my Anti-Magic Tommy Gun.

"They're already blockin' off all the back exits," she explained, "Only way out's through the main gate..."

"You mean through the fortress itself," said Danny warily.

"Well, we're dead," I said.

"Keep your heads, fellers," replied Sandy, "Bravo Team's gonna meet us here." She pointed to a fork in the road on the map. "Between the two of us, we may just have a chance."

"That'll have to wait!" yelled Danny, "Motorbike, behind us!"

A Nazi motorbike was thundering up behind us, followed closely by a covered truck. In the sidecar, a soldier was loading a heavy machine gun.

"Reckon I can hit the tyre?" asked Sandy, picking up a rifle.

"Well, if you don't, we die," I shrugged, "So I'm really hoping you can here."

Sandy grinned and took aim. With a loud bang, she fired.

The front tire of the motorbike burst. The vehicle veered off the road and careened into a ditch on the side, running into a tree and exploding for no immediately apparent reason.

"Awesome! We get to live!" I exclaimed.

The truck sped up, skidding to the right and beginning to come alongside the jeep. Sandy dropped her rifle and cracked her knuckles.

"Jackboots in the back are mine," she declared.

She leapt over onto the truck and slipped under the canvas covering the back. There were muffled shouts and bangs as she went to work - a grey-uniformed blur flew out of the back, quickly followed by another, and another...

The soldier driving the truck cringed, reaching into his holster and pulling a pistol. I stood up, roared and pulled the trigger of the Tommy Gun, spraying the cab of the truck. The driver, hit several times, slumped and fell out the side.

"Was that really necessary?" asked Danny.

"He was a Nazi," I shrugged.

"No, I mean the screaming," replied Danny, "You sound like chipmunk-Rambo."

"Ouch," I muttered, sitting back down.

Sandy threw the last soldier out of the back of the truck and leapt out, jumping back onto the jeep. She was grinning madly and holding a grenade, which she flung into the now empty cab of the truck. There was a mighty bang as the truck exploded, spinning onto its side and tumbling out of sight.

"That's nice work, Ms. Cheeks," I nodded.

"Don't call me that," grunted Sandy.

"Ah geez, guys!" yelled Morty, "They're bringing up a _tank!_ "

We looked ahead. Up in the distance, just beyond a fork in the road, a Panther tank was rumbling up the track. The gun was being aimed and prepared to fire - behind it, two more tanks could be seen rolling up to support it.

"Where do they get tanks?" I demanded, "This is _South America!_ "

"Brace yourselves!" yelled Danny.

Suddenly another jeep shot out from the trees at the fork in the road. A red blur leapt forward, and we could just about hear a cry of 'embiggen!'

Then, quite suddenly, a giant teenage girl was grabbing hold of one of the rear panzers, stopping it in its tracks and tearing off the turret. Having done that, Kamala turned over the hull, depositing the unfortunate crew onto the ground.

Meanwhile, Wendy leaned out the back of the jeep with a bazooka, aiming it at the front of the Panther. With a thunderous roar, she fired it into the turret. The rocket ricocheted, but it seemed the impact upset the delicately engineered tank, as it suddenly burst into flames.

The jeep skidded to a halt. Soos climbed out of the driver's seat and turned to face me as Morty halted the jeep beside him.

"How's my driving, dudes?" he asked.

"Uh, Soos?" said Danny, "There's still a tank out there."

The last tank was still rolling down the road. The gun fired, missing and blowing up several trees.

"Hang on, I got it!" called Kamala.

She swung a giant fist into the side of the tank, rolling it onto its side and sending it tumbling off the road and into the trees. I could have sworn that I'd heard a faint cry from inside the massive armoured vehicle.

" _Mein Bein!_ "

Kamala returned to normal size, dusting off her hands as she walked back to the jeep.

"Well, that went well," I said, "Now, where were we?"

"Escaping?" replied Wendy.

"Ah yes," I nodded, "We needed to go through the fortress to do that, didn't we?"

There was a long silence.

"So this was basically the easy part," I said.

"Oh yeah," sighed Danny.

"Darn."

* * *

"Achtung! Enemy kommandotruppe approaching Festung Fehlschlagen! All hands, man your posts! Secure the main gate! Schnell!"

Festung Fehlschlagen was a grim, concrete fort deep in the mountains, positioned against a sheer cliff and protected by twenty-metre concretes wall on all other sides. The only way in or out of the complex was through a giant steel door on the southern side of the facility - one that was guarded round the clock.

The main courtyard of Festung Fehlschlagen was a hive of activity. Tanks and halftracks were being rolled as infantry gathered on every elevated position. Machine guns and snipers set up in towers overlooking the open concrete. It was utterly and blatantly overkill.

"There they are! Close the gate!"

Suddenly, the two jeeps hurtled over the cliff, landing hard on the concrete ground. They roared across the courtyard - Danny flung ectoblasts in all directions while Sandy, Wendy and I fired out of the backs of the vehicles.

With a mighty clang, the enormous gate closed and locked. Seconds later, Soos' jeep slammed into the door, tipping over and depositing its passengers in a heap on the ground. Half-a-second later, Morty's jeep did the same.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, "Morty! Seriously?! _Giant steel door!_ "

"I-I-I was following Soos!" replied Morty.

We were trapped. Our only cover was the upturned jeeps - gunfire bounced off their metal undersides like rain. To raise our heads above cover would be to invite sudden and painful retribution. It seemed to all that we were doomed.

"Somebody get that door open!" yelled Wendy.

Kamala grew her hands and pushed against it, but even this force wouldn't move it.

"It...won't...budge!" she said, straining against the metal.

"Have you tried pulling?!" I cried.

"There's nothing to pull on!" replied Kamala.

"Well, we're all gonna die for your stupid drafts," sighed Danny, "Thanks a bunch, E3."

" _They're not stupid!_ " I shouted.

"Dudes, those tanks are gonna fire, what do we do?" cried Soos.

"I don't have any rockets left for the bazooka!" replied Wendy.

"Well, somebody needs to do _something!_ " I yelled.

In amongst the screaming and the deafening sounds of gunfire, something inside Morty snapped. His eyes wide, he grabbed a submachine gun which happened to be lying next to him on the ground and leapt on top of the jeeps.

"Morty, what're you doing?!" exclaimed Wendy.

Morty pulled the trigger and began to scream.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ "

He swept the gun from left to right. All at once, Nazi infantrymen in the courtyard began to fall. Whole squads at a time, they collapsed to the ground in highly dramatic fashions. Some randomly exploded, sending their comrades flying into the air.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ "

Morty fired along the catwalk and Nazis began to tumble down. Not only that, in fact - the catwalks themselves began to collapse, and metal and fascist alike began to rain down to the ground.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ "

Morty peppered the halftracks next, and one by one, they exploded in brilliant flashes of orange. They were soon followed by the tanks. A squadron of fighters that had zoomed into the strafe the courtyard burst into flames, all spinning out and crashing in the jungle beyond.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ "

The concrete machine-gun and sniper towers burst into plumes of smoke and fire. The windows of the great citadel in the centre erupted into fire and Nazi officers were flung out of them as the concrete structure exploded spectacularly.

The submachine gun finally ran out of ammunition and the courtyard fell silent. We looked on in silent shock as dust and smoke wafted over the wreckage With a loud _clang_ , the turret of a Tiger tank fell back to earth next to the jeeps.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"...okay Morty," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "You can...you can stop now."

Morty dropped the gun and doubled over, panting in exhaustion.

"Okay, come down now, we'll get you some water," I said, helping him down as Danny handed him a canteen.

"Well fellers," said Sandy, "I reckon we're home free!"

"Sehr gut, Britisch abschaum. _Sehr gut._ "

A Nazi general, clad in a white tunic for no immediately obvious reason, walked into the courtyard. Several squads of soldiers followed after him, quickly taking up positions and aiming their guns at us.

"Oh, _come on!_ " I exclaimed.

"Did you expect us to fight _fair_ , Engländer?" asked the general smugly, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh, I'm Texan," interrupted Sandy.

"Mexican-American," added Soos.

"Pakistani-American," continued Kamala.

"Half-ghost," shrugged Danny.

"That's not a nationality," I said.

"I know, but I think it fit the pattern," shrugged Danny.

"It matters not," sneered the general, "What kind of _mischling_ you are. You have taken something of great value to the Herrenvolk and..."

"I know enough German to understand what you just said there," interrupted Sandy, "And might I just say _verpiss dich_."

"Oh, _burn!_ " I exclaimed.

"Y'all have no idea what I just said, do you?"

"No, but I'm sure it was insulting."

" _Genug!_ " shouted the general, "Hand me the object or my men will open fire!"

"You get my drafts over my dead body!" I bellowed.

There was a long silence.

"...the drafts," repeated the general, "You think this was about the drafts?"

"...it's not?" I said meekly.

"You have the _Erzählunggerät!_ " snapped the general.

"I think he means the box," said Danny, handing it to me.

"Oh, that thing!" I exclaimed, climbing onto the jeep, "Hey, maybe you can tell us what it is!"

"It is beyond your understanding," snarled the general, "Hand it over."

"...do you want to check to see if it's the right artefact first?" I asked.

" _Nein_ ," said the general firmly, "It is not for _your_ eyes. Hand it over."

"But I wanna know what it is!" I whined, "Come on, just a peek..."

" _NEIN!_ "

I opened the box.

I had only opened it a little, and I still couldn't see what was inside, but the Nazis in front of me began to scream. A bright blue light emitted from the box and the wind picked up around me.

The Nazi general clutched his head, screeching as the tips of his fingers turned to copper. The red metal spread down his hands - grooves appeared over his wrists and then his elbows as flesh and uniform were transfigured. Before long it was passing over his face. His screaming stopped as his mouth faded away like dust, followed by his nose - all that remained were his eyes, that turned into perfectly circular red lanterns.

Behind him, the same thing had happened to his underlings - although in their cases, their weapons now seemed to be soldiered onto their hands. A blue whirlwind began to swirl around them, and one by one they began to disintegrate into copper dust.

Above us, a blue wormhole appeared in the sky. Like water flowing down a sink, the dusty cloud that had once been a platoon of Nazi troops swirling into it, fading from our dimension into another. Once the last piece of dust had been sucked in, there was a strange noise, almost like burping, and a sudden kinetic blast knocked us off of our feet as the portal closed.

I landed on my back, the box falling out of my hand as it closed itself.

There was a long silence.

"...what was _that?_ " demanded Wendy.

"I dunno," shrugged Danny, "Maybe some kind of clockwork king took them or something."

"A clockwork king?" asked Kamala, "But what happens if he winds down and no-one's there to wind him back up?"

"They get a new king?" shrugged Soos.

"Eh, it was just a guess," said Danny.

We climbed to our feet.

"Oh hey, the door's open," I said, pointing to the door of the fortress.

It had been knocked open by the wormhole blast, leaving just enough space to drive a jeep through.

"Alright!" exclaimed Wendy, "We can put all this behind us and head back home!"

"Once we put the jeeps back up, you mean," I said, pointing to the jeeps, "I hope you guys have good backs."

"We've got a Soos," shrugged Wendy.

* * *

Sandy flew the C-47 over the mountains of South America, bound for home.

"Well," I said, taking my drafts out of my pocket, "We're home free! And with another fifty stories worth of drafts right here!"

"So the rest of _Otherdale_ 's in there, right?" asked Danny.

"Uh..."

"And the next few chapters of _Unstuck?_ " added Wendy.

"...um..."

" _Over the Hills and Far Away?_ " said Kamala.

I bit my lip.

"Look, the point is, I have my drafts," I shrugged, "So, if I may..."

I raised my canteen.

"Here's to the next fifty!"

There was a long silence.

"...what about _Mass Effect: Genesis?_ " asked Soos.

"Oh, come on!"

The C-47 flew into the sunset, bound for home.

* * *

 _With thanks to all of those who have faved, reviewed or otherwise supported me over the past eight seven years and suffered through months-long hiatuses between chapters._

 _With particular thanks to Cartoonatic55, TweenisodeOrange, Zim'sMostLoyalServant, SOLmaster and Autobot-Outcast._

 _Many, many Nazis were harmed while making of this story._

* * *

AN: Here's to another seven years, another fifty stories and another series of long hiatuses!


End file.
